My rage comes from the same place inside of me that loves

by Laurie Schur

Nikita Gill poem + my thoughts in response to it

The rage you are feeling

comes from the same place inside

your heart as the love.

This is why you refuse to accept

a world where cruelty reigns and fire consumes all.

You have known hope

and joy and kindness,

like you have known water.

And justice is a river

that demands

you do not give up on it.

Nikita Gill

When I read the words of this poem, something deep inside of me said yes, this is how I feel.

My rage and often sadness and hurt do come from the same place inside of me that loves.

Just ask my daughter how I acted when someone was unkind to her as a young person many years ago at an event. Probably rage is too strong, but extreme anger and mother lion protectiveness came forth to confront this unkind person. For sure my angry feelings came from my love of my precious daughter.

In today’s world, my love of inclusivity, diversity, a place for everyone to be who they are and to live in freedom is deep; my upset, anger and sadness about what’s going on in the U.S. today is again from love…love of freedom, love of democracy, love of human rights and justice and more. In my 80 years, there have been many bad times with platforms and policies that I don’t agree with. But what’s going on now is definitely the worst.

Given my propensity over my lifetime to get down or depressed, I find I use inspiration as my drug of choice to keep me from getting so low that I cannot function. Podcasts, sermons, books or other forms of writing, music and stories about people doing good in the world, dog videos, especially the ones where a dog is rescued and loved, all help. The recently formed gratitude list is a new upbeat addition to the ever-growing list. Moving my body is a requirement for sure, not only for health but mood as well. My loving and supportive husband and closeness with my daughter and family feed my soul. And Cassie, our dog, is definitely a top love and pleasure in my life. Still, I often sink (a word my former long-term therapist warned me against doing) and I find I need to lift myself up

I’ve toyed with doing micro-dosing of psychedelics, but I am so over reactive to drugs that I hesitate. What feels like a lifetime ago, I tried an antidepressant. On the normal dose I became so flat that it was unbearable. I ended up for one year taking a homeopathic dose of a quarter of a pill.

Similarly, in my first marriage, I tried pot a few times with other people. Yes, the caramels were beyond delicious, and chewing lasted for years, or so it seemed, but I got paranoid and realized it was not for me.

Very recently, when trying some options for my arthritic neck pain, I tried some gummies that were CBD with the tiniest dose of THC; one was tolerated, but did not help; three created that awful drug feeling I abhor.

I keep looking for that magic bullet that lifts my mood but that does not make me feel worse due to side effects. I don’t think there is one. I know that continuing to move/dance, write, create, be with loved ones and more are what I need to keep doing. The tides feel stronger today in the world and I find I must do more, or on some days, let the waves wash over me and have compassion for my sensitivity knowing that this too shall pass eventually.